“I feel really alienated when a person self-describes as sex-favorable or sex-enthusiastic, because I feel like I need to assert among other asexuals that I do not have that experience of sex.”
“Maybe sex favorable asexuals should leave the community and identify as other things since sexual attraction doesn’t seem to be important instead of trying to carve out a space where they’re going to cause damage”
“I just don’t know if it’s possible to spread the information about asexuals’ sexual agency (to engage in partnered sex) in a way that actually bolsters all asexuals’ sexual agency. I feel alienated by asexual spaces that valorize sex by emphasizing the segment of the community that have enjoyed partnered sex in the past and may consider it in the future. I feel like within the asexual community, their sexual agency is not threatened as much as the sexual agency of people who don’t ever desire sex.”
So there’s another round of “is talking about sex-favorable or sex-indifferent asexuals bad for the community”, and while it started out with some valid points about the problems of phrases like “some asexuals are willing to have sex and some aren’t”, it’s starting to turn (unintentionally or not) into the bashing of anyone who might be sex-favorable or sex-indifferent or who might ever want to talk about the possibility of being open to having sex. And, what the hell, people.
You don’t get to silence asexuals with different experiences than you just because it’s inconvenient to have people in the community who aren’t all exactly the same.
You don’t get to kick us out of the community because we don’t experience things the same way as you do.
You don’t get to scapegoat our very existence for the misleading stereotypes that other people will hold no matter what we say.
You don’t get to tell an entire group to suck it up in silence or fuck off just because people might use their existence to confirm misguided stereotypes.
You don’t get to throw us under the bus and expect us to smile and go along with it because we are “less threatened”.
You don’t get to tell us to shut up because we’re just a small minority and it’s better for the majority this way anyway.
Aces who hold neutral or even positive feelings toward sex are not just theoretical talking points, we are real people. We are not hypothetical cases or a minority not worth mentioning.
If you wonder why sex-indifferent and sex-favorable and other aces with similar experiences keep talking feeling uncomfortable and attacked in asexual spaces, stuff like this is why.
There are serious issues around the pressure on asexuals to have sex, on the way that aces who deviate from the current gold-star norm (in any direction) are silenced or portrayed as just “those weird deviants”. There are real problems with statements like “sex-positive asexuals are asexuals who are willing to have sex”. But telling any aces who aren’t sex-averse and celibate that their very existence is harmful and that they need to shut up or get out solves nothing and just does more harm.
Driving us underground might certainly make parts of the community more comfortable, but sometimes you need to stop and think about at what cost that comfort comes.